Now that its all over, you've given me a lot of time to tihnk about who I am, about the person I wish to become.
You cannot change being an embarresment. Being an embarrasment is not like being a jerk or something like that. It really isn't. Because being a jerk involves just one part of who you are, and even more so, it is something that you can pin point and identify. But not so about being an embarrasment. Especially when you don't have to do anything - or at least not anything specific - to become embarrasing. Cause then... doesn't it mean that everything that you are, naturally - or at least what has become natural to you - embarrasing? Is that how you feel? How you felt I mean... was I really that much of an embarrasment?
Why then did you stay for so long? Why then, the last time you made me leave you then changed your mind. I am not afraid. Not anymore, to call out your shortcomings. And I can now see that all along you have done nothing but play on my emotions. I've said it before, I'm only there when you need me... but where are you... I mean where were you, when I needed you? But I guess that's just it, isn't it? If I'm already such an embarrasment to you on a day-to-day basis... well I guess I must've been even more embarrasing during some of my more vulnerable moments. Who said I always had to be strong? Well I guess being strong was the only way you could get what you needed from me.
But I don't blame this entirely on you. How can I when I chose to ignore the signs, when I chose instead to sink deeper and deeper into the mire of self-denial and shame? I mean, even a blind man could've seen what you do... I mean, what you had done to me. But you know what... I was in love, I was in love with the idea of a love that I had fought so hard to obtain that even your true colours started to stare me in the face I refused to accept them and convinced myself that it was all going to turn out better.
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I know, dear reader, I must have been the biggest fool on earth... I mean, even an animal would know how to get itself out of a situation that tortures it. But you know what, I'm sure you have all of you fallen in love at some point, and I'm sure that all of you who have will attest to this, that when you are in love, you are perhaps more blind than even the blind, more deaf than even the deaf, and at times, more mute than those who can no longer speak. But you know what, I guess in a way I finally made myself see that, which was why I finally made myself speak up as well. The only thing that came as a surprise really, was the part about me being an embarrasment. But you see, dear reader, when someone calls you an embarrasment in this scenario, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, because what they are really embarrased with, is who you are.... and correct me if I'm wrong but I believe there are somethings just not worth changing yourself over.
And so I guess you can say that I've walked away from this fairly unscathed, that I have come out of it knowing much more about people than I did before. Is it going to change the way I get into my next relationship... well maybe. But is it going to change the way I am... not a chance!
So you say I am an embarrasment to you, well maybe I am. But you know something, I'm in-your-face and that's the only way I like it so, in retrospect, I guess the only regret that I have is that I didn't embarras you strongly enough. :)
~Burn, burn burn baby burn~
*Cyren*
